A STRUCTURED LOOK OUTSIDE AND INSIDE:  Here is the underlying OFNR (Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests) frame for this exercise.

Observations:

  • Notice your situation (with observations, not evaluations)
  • Your current inner dialogue
  • Your current actions

 

Feelings 

  • Notice your feelings

Needs:

3.    Notice your needs

Requests:

4.    Ask yourself 

  • Do I want to continue my current inner dialogue and actions?
  • Do I want to change my inner dialogue and actions?
  • If so, in what direction?

 

 

Rob:  What happened yesterday was that my teacher said I was a slacker.  I felt resentment, embarrassment, and frustration.  I thought the teacher was a jerk.  I knew that if I were a robot I could have gotten the assignment finished.  I also know I am a full-time student and I have an internship.  I chose to take time to sit on the couch and relax the other afternoon.  I needed some down time, so I took the time to mentally get away from school.  The teacher could grade me down for not getting the paper in on time.  That would be fair.  The teacher does have the same guidelines for everyone in the class.  But I did not deserve to be called a slacker.  Maybe I will go talk to the teacher so he will have an honest understanding of what is going on for me. 

 

Kelly:  When I started taking a computer class, I thought the professor was way too hard. He gave huge assignments and never explained them clearly.  At first I complained to a lot of people about his teaching tactics and just got madder.  I finally gathered my courage and went to his office.  I explained the problems I was having in his class.  I also told him that I felt there was too much homework and that I needed more time to complete the assignments.  He did hear me and he now gives the assignments earlier, which allows me more time to complete them.  I am also more assertive in asking him to explain stuff I don’t understand.  If I had not talked to him, I would have failed the class.  I guess getting aware of my fear of failing is what gave me the courage to go see him.  [felt there was too much homework = softened thought]

 

 

A STRUCTURED LOOK OUTSIDE AND INSIDE:  Example by Allyson

 

Your situation

I hate public speaking; I am thinking about skipping a presentation and taking a zero.

Current inner dialogue

Presentations are an unfair way to judge a student.

Current actions

Complaining to friends

Feelings

Fear, shame, stressed out, frustrated

Needs

Esteem needs and contribution needs

Continue my current inner dialogue and actions?

No

Change my dialogue and actions?

Yes

If so, in what direction?

 

Suck it up and give the presentation.  Focus on how good I will feel when it is over. 

 



A STRUCTURED LOOK OUTSIDE AND INSIDE:  Try your own irritating situation. 

 

Your situation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current inner dialogue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current actions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feelings

 

 

Needs

 

 

 

Continue my current inner dialogue and actions?

 

 

Change my inner dialogue and actions?

 

 

If so, in what direction?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Byron Katie (www.byronkatie.com/) does some interesting work in having people ask themselves whether their current dialogue and resulting actions are helpful to them.  She challenges them to imagine that the opposite of what they believe may be true.  I have read some of her earlier books and am intrigued by the title of her latest book, Who Would You Be Without Your Story?