Table of Contents
DIALOGUE WITH READER on book, Marshall Rosenberg, students, and author
CHAPTER ONE Observations page 9
Changing evaluations into observations
Importance of using observations
Five suggestions for increasing use of observations
CHAPTER TWO Feelings page 23
Feelings contrasted with thoughts
Lists of feelings
List of evaluative words frequently confused with feelings
Do we have a choice about what we are feeling?
Five suggestions for noticing your feelings
Working with difficult feelings
CHAPTER THREE Needs page 35
Lists of universal needs
Three stages in becoming assertive with your needs
Difference between needs and strategies
Abundance of strategies
Using needs awareness to move from evaluation to compassion
Five suggestions for increasing awareness of needs
CHAPTER FOUR Requests page 51
Differences between demands and requests
Components of effective requests
Requests for connection often precede requests for action
CHAPTER FIVE And an Attitude page 63
Releasing endorphins with an attitude of gratitude
Claiming a more choiceful life
Working with enemy images of others
Tricks of the mind that perpetuate conflict
Deeply honoring two sets of needs = win-win solutions
CHAPTER SIX Self-Care, Nurturing Body and Brain page 83
Observations—Understanding your brain structure
Feelings—Calming your overloaded feeling by breathing
Needs—Taking care of your vehicle
Request of Yourself—Create a first aid kit
And an Attitude—Beam me up, Scottie
CHAPTER SEVEN Self-Care, Doing Inner Work page 95
Feelings—Transforming painful memories to needs awareness
Needs—Finding your needs under your judgment
Request of Yourself—Envision what would enrich your life
And an Attitude—Noticing satisfying actions
CHAPTER EIGHT Self-Care, Taking Action page 109
Observations—How your life is going?
Feelings & Needs—Using needs-based decision-making
Request of Yourself—Make deliberate choices of self-care
And an Attitude—Saying and hearing “No” in connecting ways
CHAPTER NINE Listening for Connection page 129
Observations—Avoiding communication barriers
Listen for Feelings & Needs—What’s alive in the other person?
Request of Yourself—Translate: hear all complaints as requests
And an Attitude—Cultivating your deep listening skills
CHAPTER TEN Talking for Connection page 149
Observations—Remembering your audience and being choiceful
Find and Sometimes Share your Feelings & Needs—Being aware
Requests—Ask for the kind of listening you would like
And an Attitude—Investing more effort in one relationship
CHAPTER ELEVEN Dealing with Anger in a Connecting Way page 165
Observations—Looking into the heart of your anger
Feelings & Needs—Managing your anger in daily encounters
Requests of Yourself—Differentiate between stimulus and cause
And an Attitude—Anger is contagious; so is compassion
CHAPTER TWELVE Resolving Conflict Assertively page 185
1. Become aware of tension and discomfort.
2. Breathe and get grounded.
3. Listen to yourself. Find underlying feelings and needs.
4. Check your attitude.
5. Share topic and intention. Agree upon time and place.
6. Sit down, get present, and repeat your intention.
7. State concisely your concern and invite their response.
8. Listen. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
9. Listen. Get all of their feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.
10. Breathe, slow down, and check your attitude.
11. Speak. Get all of your feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.
12. Summarize the needs of both parties and write them down. 13. Brainstorm possible strategies and write them down.
14. If it is major, give it time. Wait for further inspiration.
15. Decide on individual and joint next steps. Try them out.
16. Check back on how it is working.
17. Start over again if it does not work the first time.
Examples page 200
CHAPTER THIRTEEN What’s Next? page 209
What have you learned?
What are your goals?
APPENDIX page 213
Recommended Books and Other Sources of Information
Resolving Conflict Assertively
About the Author